Holding her hand, waiting
by RemyTheReaper
Summary: My take on last night's episode and how it should have ended. Kutner's POV written for the Kudley Army Kutner POV takeover. Rated T for some language.


**A/N: Hi peoples! Okay so this is a oneshot for The Kudley Army's Kutner POV takeover. If you want to know anything about the army or if you want to join, check out my profile. I have a link to our shop and our website, and you can message me directly to join. Okay now that I said that, here's the story, its sort of my take on how last nights episode went, and should have ended.**

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, holding her hand in mine, listening to the steady beep of her heart monitor, praying she'll wake up.

If I had known what was going to happen in the clinic I wouldn't have let her go down there, I would have distracted her, hell I would have even done her clinic hours for her. But I didn't know.

"Damn it Kutner, that's not fair, my pager went off." I remember her saying. We were playing cards to pass the time, we always did. It had started with poker, a four-way match with the two of us, Foreman, and Taub. But when we started to get serious about the game they dropped out, finding it more amusing to watch us battle to the death at "spit", her game of choice.

"Doesn't matter, you stopped paying attention, you get the big pile" I said, scooping up my cards and straightening them out, but she wasn't listening. She read her pager and rolled her eyes,

"I've got clinic duty. Or rather I have to go make up all the hours I skipped this week. Save the cards, I'll be back in an hour." She stood up and grabbed her lab coat, pulling it on and putting her air up into a ponytail before leaving with a final sigh.

If I had known what was going to happen in the clinic I would have said something else to her, I would have given her the smaller pile of cards, I would have done something. But I didn't know.

The next time I saw her things were different. She had been held hostage all day. I had been locked up with the others, trying to figure out what was wrong with the guy, trying to stay calm. We didn't know much about what was going on, just that the guy was trading hostages for medicine and tests. Every time he let hostages go I prayed she would be one of them. She would try to be strong, try to make it seem like nothing had happened. But she couldn't do that for long, maybe just until we were alone. She wasn't afraid to cry in front of me, she always told me I was a safe person to cry in front of because she had plenty of things to hold against me if I decided to make fun of her for it. I never did.

It wasn't until late in the day when we got the first news of her situation. House called, looking for another answer.

"The dexamethasone is making Thirteen's kidneys fail, but not the patients. Why?" He asked. I felt my heart drop slightly. She had taken the drugs? I figured the patient would want to test on someone before he took any medication, but Thirteen? My head began to spin. Cameron, House, and the patient bantered a little bit, then the line went dead again. Cameron dropped her head into her hands, but not before I saw the shimmer in her eyes. Then, after a moment her shoulders began to shake. Wilson put his arm around her and looked up at Taub and I.

"Could one of you go get Chase?" He asked. I nodded and stood up, leaving the room quickly. I didn't want to be in there anymore, I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore. I wanted to go back to my apartment and find she had been waiting there for me all along. She would roll her eyes, say something crazy and I would wake up, realizing this was all a nightmare. As soon as I got on the elevator I slapped myself as hard as possible.

"HOLY FUCK" I grabbed my stinging cheek and sighed, no this was not a nightmare.

I got out on the first floor, intending to go outside and look for Chase. Cameron had mentioned earlier when he had walked out that he was going to help with transferring the patients to Princeton General and other nearby hospitals. Just As I stepped into the lobby though I heard it, an explosion. It had come from above, maybe just one floor. Without thinking I jumped back on the elevator and rode back up to the next level, my heart pounding.

By the time I got to the site of the explosion there were SWAT team members everywhere. I noticed the huge gaping hole in the wall and felt sick. What if Thirteen had been in there? What if part of the wall had fallen on her crushed her? I wanted to get closer to the area, but the SWAT team had it blocked off. I probably wasn't even supposed to be there, but in the craziness of the moment nobody noticed. So I stood in the back of the crowd of people and watched, waiting to see if she was there. After a few moments I had come to the conclusion that she was either not there to begin with, or had been removed already, but then I saw her. She was laying in House's arms, her head on his shoulder. He was supporting most of her limp body on his left side, walking slowly out of the rubble. I tried to run forward, to get closer to her, but there was a sudden swarm of people and then the two of them were gone.

The next thing I remember after that is sitting in her room. Taub says it probably has something to do with the fact that I started screaming like a crazy person and one of the SWAT team hit me with their nightstick. He might be right, because my memories of sitting with her are a little fuzzy too. I remember someone telling me that she's in a coma, it might have been Cameron. No, it was definitely Cameron because her eyes were still puffy from crying, but she kept reassuring me that everything would be okay. She also said that Thirteen could probably hear us and that maybe I should talk to her. And then she left. I remember holding Thirteen's hand for awhile before I started talking to her too.

"Hey Thirteen, it's umm…It's Kutner. I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can just know that I'm really sorry," I said. I wasn't sure what I was sorry for, but it felt like the right thing to say,

"Look, you really need to wake up. I don't know what goes on inside your head, I don't know if you feel alone or you feel like people bother you too much, or if you want to die, but…" I trailed off after that and stared at her hand. It was pale, paler than usual. I stared at it for a few minutes while I tried to think of something else to say and then I saw the hospital bracelet around her wrist. She had never told me her first name, I wasn't sure she had told anybody, and now it was written around her wrist, clear as day. I couldn't help but read it.

"Remy" the word floated off my tongue. It was a beautiful name, very fitting, but she wouldn't want me to know it. Dropping her hand for a moment I reached into my pocket and pulled out a marker. I read the name one more time, then smiled and crossed it out, writing Thirteen above it.

"There you go. Now your hospital bracelet says Thirteen, and the secret lives on." I told her, half expecting a response I knew wasn't coming.

That's where it all gets fuzzy again. Taub says I fell asleep in the chair next to her bed. He says I was sleeping when he came in to check on Thirteen, but I don't remember falling asleep. All I remember is holding her hand, occasionally telling her to wake up, reminding her of what she has to live for.

That brings us to now. I'm still sitting here, holding her hand. Taub just came in (that's when he told me everything) he say's I've been here for eight hours. I've only gotten up once to go to the bathroom. I'm hungry and tired, but I don't want to leave her for even a short amount of time.

"Come on Thirteen you really need to wake up." I say, squeezing her hand slightly, as if urging her to awake. And I hear her voice in my head, _Why? _It asks _Why do I have to wake up? _And I don't bother to suppress the tears that have been lingering all night.

"Because I love you! Because I can't lose you! Because we have to finish our game of spit!" I practically shout. But there's no response. My head is hurting now. She's not waking up for awhile. And what right do I have to be here anyways? Besides our card games we don't have anything. I drop her hand and a few tears release themselves, but I don't really care. I turn to leave.

"Kutner?" her voice stops me dead in my tracks. I turn around just in time to see her eyes flutter open, looking up at me.

"Thirteen?" I take a small step towards her. She manages a small smile, though I can tell she's a little bit disorientated.

"You woke me up with your screaming." She carefully pushes herself up into a sitting position and I take a few more steps towards her, my face getting hot.

"You heard that?"

She nods and rolls her eyes, " Yeah, you really can't wait to finish that game can you?"

I sit back down in the chair next to her bed.

"That's all you heard?"

"Umm yeah, what else did you say?"

I smile, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the deck of cards.

"Nothing. You ready to play?"

**A/N: Yay! Lol. Okay, sorry this was majorly delayed, I'm kind of sick and feeling gross and I was going to post this last night, but my Microsoft word kind of imploded on me and deleted it so I had to re write it. Yeah, so please review lol**

**-Remy**


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